Dark Humour

by Mark Westin

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1.
I’m looking pretty I’m looking good I’m getting stares in the neighborhood I’m getting lucky But I can’t find The special someone I can love for all time It seems so simple or at least it should be I want someone narcissistic as me So what’s the problem if I’m keeping in trim I check my biceps every day in the gym When I pump iron I got all the moves I want a girl who digs my masculine groove Just feast your eyes on my physicality I want someone narcissistic as me My clothes are tailored, don’t buy off the rack Stand next to me your suit will look like a sack When I go dancing I dress to the nines I want a partner who can look just as fine I’m fashion forward it’s easy to see I want someone narcissistic as me I’ve read the Bible Kabbalah and Tao I’m always living in the right here and now I’ve studied shamans and tricksters and mystics I want my soul mate to be polytheistic I need to dialogue on theology I want someone narcissistic as me
2.
I am the naked houseboy I keep an eye on stuff I dust and do the shopping I do it in the buff I like to do the windows So everyone can see You have a naked houseboy Domestic nude, that’s me So many naked houseboys Would never mow the lawn But I will rake and prune the hedge And turn the sprinklers on I’ll take out all the garbage And clean the chimney flue ‘Cause these are just the kinds of things That naked houseboys do Don’t ask why I’m a naked houseboy You may find that a naked houseboy Holds the secret to all that’s closed Inside your clothes You might think that it’s funny You might think that it’s sad You might think I’m exploited It’s really not that bad You might think it’s disgusting But I’m not judging you I’m just a naked houseboy And I’ve got work to do
3.
When beautiful people break up it couldn’t be that bad They’ve got their good looks to cheer them up And friends to call if they get sad When beautiful people break up they never get depressed They go right out to do the town In shiny cars and nicely dressed I know it’s true I’ve seen them there before I know it’s true I’ve never seen them wanting more When beautiful people break up the pain is swift and sweet it blows away by break of day like papers on a city street When beautiful people break up they cry some lovely tears Then dry their eyes and wear a smile And look ahead to happy years I know it’s true it’s just the way they are I know it’s true when you’re as bright as any star that shines into the universe and never seems to fade illuminating all our flaws exposing every last charade When beautiful people break up the timing’s always right The movie ends, they part as friends They never spend a lonely night When beautiful people break up the world comes to their door And lets them know it loves them so And loves them till forever more I know it’s true I’ve seen that story line I know it’s true I wish that it were yours and mine
4.
Well you got the heels and you got the hose And you broke the bank on designer clothes You did the hair and you did the nails You did everything that the look entails But there’s something baby you forgot to do And that’s understand that the look don’t look like you I got just one thing to say when you walk that walk my way With your sweater cut so low and your skirt so tight Baby you almost got it right – but not quite Well you spent as much as a girl can spend On the color tint in your contact lens And you spent a week in the dentist chair Making sure your smile had the special flair But there’s one big change that you forgot to make That’s your mind when you decided to go fake I got just one thing to say when you walk that walk my way And you flash those baby blues and those pearly whites Baby you almost got it right – but not quite How much farther will you go to complete your beauty quest Baby I don’t wanna know what’s inside that perfect chest Now your credit cards gotten all maxed out From the stuff you did to make yourself stand out But the only ring on your telephone Is the repo man for your auto loan Cause the boys you hoped to snag are steering clear Since they found there’s nothing in between your ears So there’s just one thing to say when you walk that walk my way And you hope I’m gonna take you home tonight Baby you almost got it right – but not quite
5.
we love each other so much the neighbors get sick of it we’re playing kissy face in every single public place yeah we’re in the thick of it and wouldn’t it be magic if there was a way that we could be together all day all day everyday wouldn’t that be love we’d wake up in our double bed/and spend the morning snuggly and when I’m making cereal/your presence so ethereal would circle round and hug me we’d walk out in the sunshine/unable to part four arms and legs between us but/one mind one heart all day everyday/wouldn’t that be love it’s not enough to have a photograph/or hair inside a locket I’m working on a dream/to build a laser beam that shrinks you for my pocket I’d keep you close beside me for all I go through or you could do the same to me too all day every day wouldn’t that be love yes every little nuance of each others’ life you and I would know we’d never have a need to find our own space because there’d be no place to go so close all the time that it borders on scandal perpetual moths to each other’s candle drawn ever closer with each waking breath till we fly into the flame and burn ourselves to death all day everyday wouldn’t that be love we love each other so much we’re terrified of others when we turn out the light we cling so very tight until we’re very nearly smothered and won’t it be a wonder as we pass the years if both of us end up staying here all day everyday wouldn’t that be love wouldn’t that be love
6.
In every little city in a dingy bar There’s an overweight Adonis with a blues guitar There’s an overage Madonna who’s a half step flat There’s the next insert a name here in a stupid hat You can meet ‘em any Monday in a nervous dream Like a cavalcade of losers on the winning team Any one of them would live or die to feed the beast It’s the weekly competition to see who sucks least It’s open mike, open mike Everybody’s great at open mike All the clothes and the hair are so outta sight And everyone’s a millionaire at open mike There’s a Yankee in a cowboy shirt he’s so sincere Singing songs in southern accents that assault the ear There’s an artsy fartsy poet who can’t even play But that doesn’t stop her getting up there anyway It’s a masochistic ritual for the friends who come After just a couple verses well you just feel numb While the girlfriends in the corner like to sit and squeal Over who looks more professional and who’s more real At open mike, open mike Everybody falls for you at open mike You were the best one you were so psyched And everyone’s a visionary open mike This one’s a little too whiny And that one’s a little too slick And everybody’s always so shiny And nobody ever says dick At open mike, open mike We’re one big happy family at open mike I’ll forget you tomorrow but I love you tonight Cause everyone’s a superstar at open mike Open mike, open mike Everybody’s great at open mike The rockin’ rollin’ future on display all right And everyone’s a poster child at open mike
7.
The monkeys are flying around outer space The president landed on Mars Prince Charles is dancing the samba in place You can say anything when you’re singing in bars The aliens melted the ice caps this week the penguins have all become queer Tom Cruise taught an African reindeer to speak When you sing in a bar nothing sounds very clear Oh it’s noisy and crowded and everyone’s lost in their own little worlds all around you can say what you like just as long as the sound of your voice makes the whiskey go down down down down down down down down down down down down just help make the whiskey go down The girls look so pretty with pints in their hands as they check out the boys with guitars but the words the boys sing the girls can’t understand cause the sound system sucks when you’re singing in bars The headlines are screaming of sex and divorce and the glamorous life of the stars I could blow off their kneecaps and show no remorse I could hold you all hostage without any force I could tell you your car’s been replaced by a horse but you won’t give a fuck cause I’m singing in bars
8.
I’m in love with a girl who doesn’t know it yet oh but she’s gonna find out soon there’s a chill in the air, there’s a storm on the way and the clouds cover up the moon she’ll be sitting alone with a book and the cat she’ll be drinking a glass of wine I go out of my mind when I see her like that and I need to go make her mine I’ve been bathed I’ve been shaved and I’ve started to dress as I practice my heartfelt lines I can get to her house in eight minutes or less cause I clocked it now seventeen times heading out of my lair I go over my list I’ve got all of the tools I need Every detail is planned not a thing have I missed there’s no doubt that I will succeed I’ve been waiting for weeks for a moment like this she can eat up the distance from boredom to bliss I’ll be laying it all on the line to confess that I loved her the moment we met when people say love is strange my friend they don’t know just how strange it can get leave the car up the street and I’ll walk from here cause it’s easy to get away fast if she turns me away I would die today but I know we can make it last now I’m back on her lawn in the dark by the trees just preparing my message of love And in one minute more I’ll be outside her door in my hoodie my mask and my gloves Chorus she’s got soft music on and she’s wearing a gown and the candles encircle the room she looks beautiful now and I barely can wait from this window I smell her perfume now she’s turning her back and the moment is here as I softly slip over the sill as she tosses her hair she is still unaware that tonight I will go for the kill then she turns and I’m there but before she can scream there’s a ring on her phone and it feels like a dream when she passes me by and she heads down the hall and says ‘wait a sec hon, I’m expecting this call’ then she’s gone for an hour till I knock on her door and say "please tell your mom don’t call Fridays no more." I’d been waiting all week now the moment’s been missed I went above and beyond to keep the marital bliss even brushed and I flossed to taste good when we kissed I played my part to the hilt I got a right to be pissed Well at least it’s my turn to choose next week’s game and I plan on including the pet when people say love is strange my friend they don’t know just how strange it can get
9.
Never got invited to the party in the barn The big one with the kegs out in the back Never spun the bottle with Alisa Barsalotti The one with the bodacious rack Never spent the weekend doing bong hits in the basement Watching pornos till your eyeballs turned blue Never got to do what the cool kids do Never told your parents you were sneaking off to Ozzfest Cause you knew that they would never let you go Never hitched to Boston just to try and score a ticket But you tripped so long you missed the whole show Never spent the money you were saving for tuition On a multicolor full back tattoo Never got to do what the cool kids do So here’s the problem Now you’re 30 years old And still you’re longing for the cool kid kicks So here’s the problem Now you’re 40 years old And still you haven’t ever realized That the cool kids were a bunch of stupid dicks Never shot tequila till you lost your lunch and dinner On the leather in your buddy’s new car Never kept on drinking in a contest with your buddy To see whose projectile vomit went far Never got arrested running screaming through the village Wearing underpants and only one shoe Never got to do what the cool kids Never cut out school with the cool kids Never broke a rule like the cool kids Didn’t end up a tool like the cool kids do
10.
It all began so innocently Had friends in common so I could see Her profile And after awhile I made the first move sent a request When she accepted my heart nearly leapt From my chest I knew I’d been blessed She made me smile with her cynical notes I shared a few of my favorite Proust quotes Pretty soon we were wall to walling And I knew we were falling falling Falling in love on Facebook Loving the links we share Falling in love on Facebook It’s almost like she’s really there We cyberchatted all the night long I never knew a connection so strong With just a wireless card It wasn’t that hard To open up about hopes and dreams We were a perfect fit and so it seemed That we had to meet We went out to eat Across a table an actual meal We sat face to face in a world that was real Not coded We got really loaded I got courageous and went for the kiss No app could provide such incredible bliss She danced in the rain as I watched it soak her Went back to her place and I super-poked her And we were Falling in love on Facebook Loving the links we share Falling in love on Facebook It’s almost like I’m really there I’m head over heels in love with all my new technology On the web I can be who I want Or just live in anonymity And if I embellish a bit well forgive me It’s just how the game is played Before there was internet I have no clue How anybody got laid I don’t know how I got to this place First we were Facebook friends but now she’s always right in my face she’s invading MySpace My bio says I do intelligence work She found out I was really a part time produce clerk she thinks I’m a jerk There has to be some kind of lesson in this I try to figure it out but I miss She called me a loser but hey I’m not bitter I’m doing her best friend already on Twitter It’s gotta be better than Falling in love on Facebook Loving the links we share Falling in love on Facebook it’s almost like she’s really there it’s almost like somebody cares
11.
Formula 03:43

about

"Smart songs for beautiful people. Like you."

That’s how Mark Westin describes the contents of Dark Humour. On this, his third album of original music, Mark takes full ownership of the songcraft territory staked out on his previous two releases; Dark Humour matches sharply insightful lyrics with stellar musicianship and sonically superb production.

What will you hear when you listen to the songs that make up Dark Humour? A touch of Townshend, a dollop of Davies, a sliver of Steely Dan, perhaps a zegment of Zappa? These and many other wide-ranging musical and lyrical influences are in evidence, but Mark brings new blood to the time-honored tradition of the rock n’ roll songwriter. Equal parts crunchy guitars and delicate vocal harmonies, Dark Humour weaves classic threads into a modern tapestry.

The songs on Dark Humour paint detailed portraits of characters we all know, with lyrics that point fingers, poke fun and pull no punches. There’s the celebrity romance of "When Beautiful People Break Up", the surgically-enhanced babe of "Almost Got It Right", and "The Naked Houseboy", a six-minute suite that defies easy classification. From the angst-ridden loner of "Not a Stalker Song" to the unabashed self-love of "Narcissistic as Me" to the pure bite-the-hand-that-feeds snarl of "Open Mike" and "Formula", it’s popular entertainment that reflects Mark Westin’s…well, Dark Humour.

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released September 5, 2017

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Mark Westin Newburgh, New York

Mark Westin's songs have been described as:

"A different way of looking at the world that's refreshingly bizarre."
"...not afraid to take on sacred cows..."
"if Harry Nilsson and John Prine wrote together..."

Mark's been gigging and writing a long time, and he's a wordsmith of a very high order. His songs are diverse, eclectic, darkly humorous, and for real.

Listen and decide for yourself.
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